We are a society of happiness slaves. Search for “happiness” books on Chapters Indigo and you’ll come up with a whopping 8,848 titles. That’s a lot of books designed to have us think that happiness is a state we could achieve if we just work at it hard enough. Never mind that happiness is an emotion, and like all emotions, it has the habit of coming and going. Sometimes in November in Canada it goes away for a long time.
All that happiness seeking has spilled over into our parenting relationships, making us think that if our kids aren’t happy, we must be doing something wrong. We strive to get our kids into the very best schools, drive them to all their favourite activities, feel guilty when we don’t sit down and play every stupid (ahem, I mean fun) game they want to play, take them on super-duper fun-filled vacations, buy them the latest and greatest toys, and cook them all the foods that make them….well, happy.
But because happiness is a transient emotion and not a state of mind, as we are ALL probably aware (and don’t always want to admit), once we do that fun activity, play that game, go on that vacation or get into the best school, we discover that instead of being happy we’re actually just the same old (potentially melancholic) person we were BEFORE. So begins the constant grasping and striving, and then the ultimate realization that we’re no better off.
Let’s take an evolutionary perspective on parenting for a moment and pretend we are raising our children, oh, say 15,000 years ago. This was a slightly dangerous time to be birthing and rearing young whippersnappers, as this was when sabre toothed tigers roamed the earth. Our parenting goals back then equated to:
Don’t let the kid die
Fairly simple, right? Feed them when they’re hungry, protect them from the cold, and make sure not to leave them outside the cave at nighttime. Evolutionary-speaking, isn’t this still the goal we should be working towards?
I mean, sure, you could also argue that our job is to love our kids. Which most of us do really well, because again, we’re biologically programmed to love them. Why do you think our bodies have such a high level of oxytocin during and after childbirth? If we didn’t have our “love hormone” coursing through us, I’m certain we would instantly throw that screaming bundle of joy out of the cave.
What’s changed drastically since 15,000 years ago is our society - North American society in particular, or if you want to get really specific, let’s name our happiness co-creators Capitalism and Individualism. Capitalism has us believe that we need wealth in order to accumulate more and more goods, which equals HAPPINESS! Individualism suggests that if we just try hard enough (no need to ask for any help here!) we’ll be really, really happy. Capitalism and Individualism’s angry older brother Patriarchy keeps everybody in check to make sure only SOME people actually achieve this wealthy, lonely life.
“Great,” you’re thinking. “But what the heck does this have to do with kids?”
When we raise our children in a patriarchal, capitalist society, we inadvertently teach them that if they just strive hard enough and accumulate enough they will reach ultimate happiness. We teach them this by being the perfect happiness- slave role models (monkey see, monkey do.) As our children grow up, they realize fairly quickly (as we did) that happiness is not a state of mind, and experience an existential crisis of sorts that takes them well into their 30s.
Does this sound really depressing? Are you feeling happy yet?
There are no easy solutions. My advice is to start by setting fire to the patriarchy. Too much? OK fine, fine…let’s overthrow capitalism first. No? Well then let’s abandon our suburban homes, get back to the land and live in perfect communitarian harmony.
Realistically, none of these things are going to change in your lifetime, but I really hope we darn well try. It’s probably not feasible for you to eschew all forms of happiness striving, but it would do your kids a whole lot of good if you introduced the concept of meaning or purpose. When we instead strive for a meaningful or purposeful life, happiness will naturally visit us (although I promise you, it won’t stick around all the time.) We find meaning by connecting to other individuals, through close friendships, loving partnerships and community service.
As your children pour through the toy catalogue this holiday season, maybe spark a conversation about what we’re doing in our own lives that brings us meaning. And ask them one simple question:
When do you feel happiest?
Most of the time, the answer won’t be “when I open my closet door and all of the toys I pile in there when I’m ‘cleaning my room’ fall on my head.” The answer will usually point to the relationships in their lives - snuggling the family pet, visiting a neighbour down the street, taking a car trip to see Grandma and Grandpa, or my kids’ own answer: family movie night.
In reflecting on all of this in my own life as a parent, I’ve decided to rewrite my mantra:
My job as a parent is to help my kids feel alive
Not simply “keep” them alive (although that’s important) but FEEL alive - bursting to the brim with creativity, ideas, love, meaning and….maybe some happiness too.
