Coping with Pandemic Depletion
/Parents are exhausted; or, according to this article, we’re “depleted.”
What’s the difference, you ask? “Exhaustion” is when your body is physically tired - you did an intense workout and you could happily sleep for 10 hours. Or you stayed up all night with the baby and you would give anything for a cat nap. “Depletion” is when your reserves are empty - your emotional, spiritual and intellectual well has run dry. The result is that you could be sleeping 8-10 hours per night but you still feel totally exhausted.
Lately, this has been me. At the start of January, I thought I’ve totally got this. Compared to the first lockdown, I’m in a much better place. In March 2020 I was grappling with job loss on top of the new pandemic world in which we were all learning to navigate. To say I was stressed would be an understatement. Fast forward to the present and I’ve got a wonderful part-time job with a flexible employer; I’ve learned that I CAN survive my kids being home 24/7 for months on end; and I’ve adjusted to all the new pandemic habits we’ve needed to learn to stay safe and healthy.
Alas, when virtual school was extended and one week dragged into three, I suddenly found myself totally exhausted. Cleaning one bathroom was a monumental task. Completing my work while trying to be my childrens’ teaching assistant and personal secretary felt overwhelming. I wanted to crawl into bed and never emerge.
Ahhh, so THIS is the “COVID fatigue” everyone is talking about, I thought. But there’s more to it than just feeling tired.
Carole Blackburn, a Certified Life and Wellness Coach here in Ottawa, is hearing much of the same from many of her clients. “It’s affecting all people across the board, whether they have children or not,” she says. “People are tired of not having something to look forward to - an end result to all of this.”
Carole points to the difficulties in managing the multitude of roles at home: work, at-home learning, parenting, your partner, and basic day-to-day stuff. “Everything has blended together and it’s difficult to separate all of those major components that we’re living in,” she says.
Carole also hears from parents about the lack of consistency and structure at home, and of course, the lack of socialization. We can’t drop the kids off at the grandparents anymore, so there goes our alone time. “It’s like groundhog day - you’re living the same day over and over,” she says.
We know all of this, because we’ve been living it. So I was really curious - beyond basic platitudes (“you got this”; “we will get through it”) what else can parents be doing to slog through (what we hope is) the final stretch in this pandemic?
“Sometimes when we’re caught in our own headspace, it’s hard to think that there’s an alternative, or inspiration or motivation to do other things,” says Carole. We chatted about some of the following tips for dealing with depletion:
Do nothing
Doing nothing about your problems is harder than you think. I’m totally depleted and depressed, and you want me to just….deal with it?
Not exactly…it’s recognizing you’re in rough shape and choosing to sit with those hard feelings. We’re so programmed to think that action is what will pull us out of our funk. But research shows that naming and accepting our feelings as they are can help us move forward. So if you’re feeling depleted, crawl into your bed, pull the covers over your face, and do nothing! Tomorrow is a new day.
Approach things with a fresh set of eyes
We have an opportunity to approach how we’ve been living our lives, and to find a new structure that’s going to work for us going forward. Start by working on one or two things that you KNOW you can accomplish, and structure your day around those tasks. This will boost your motivation and help to alleviate some of the exhaustion you feel that “nothing is getting done.”
For me, a messy house was causing me anxiety. So I committed to one cleaning task I could do each day (one bathroom, folding and putting away one basket of laundry etc.) By the end of the week, I’d worked through many cleaning chores that I’d previously been too exhausted to accomplish. (Also, getting my partner and kids involved on weekends took some of the burden off my shoulders!)
Avoid changing too many habits all at once
We’re now in the second wave. We’ve had to learn a ton of new habits (masking up, social distancing, sanitizing, assessing risk in every situation), so it’s a good time to focus on how to restructure our lives to get through this last hump.
However, human brains are naturally lazy - we try to find the easiest way from point A to point B, and that means our brains enjoy the “autopilot” function to get through each day. Trying to implement too many new habits at once sets us up for failure because our brains have to work too hard to make the change. This is why New Year’s resolutions generally fail; people try to change too many things all at once. A better strategy is to choose ONE thing you’d like to implement, strategize the best way to move forward, and then reward yourself for each day/week/month you continue. Once you’ve mastered that new habit, you can introduce another one.
In January I started a 30 day yoga program (Yoga with Adriene on YouTube!) I refused to try to change my diet, or make any fitness/weight goals. I just got on my mat every day, even if it was for 15 minutes. Lo and behold, I’m now at day 40 and still going strong. Making time for yoga, even on days I don’t want to, has had ripple affects in other areas of my life, like stress and sleep.
What’s RIGHT in your life?
“What we’re missing is the things that we’re doing right already,” says Carole. “I think it’s really important to introspect a little bit and ask: what is working for me? What is working for my family right now?” Then you can see the good things are you living in.”
It’s more than just a gratitude list; it’s taking stock of your day-to-day life and doing an inventory of what you’d like to keep and what you’d like to change. This goes back to point about habits - sometimes you’d be surprised how well certain things are going in your life until you take stock.
One thing I’ve noticed is that we’re a much more cohesive family than we were before the pandemic. We spend a LOT more time together and that’s forced us to work as a team. Of course we still have our squabbles, but we’ve gotten better at communicating with each other when we need time alone - I’ve especially noticed this in my children, who will take time away in their rooms when they need to decompress.
Take a vacation
OK, bear with me…I realize you’re not going to be taking beach vacations any time soon. But what’s stopping you from taking a full week off work? TRULY off work? Many of us haven’t even bothered with vacation for the past year because….well, what’s the point? However, by leaving those email and deadlines behind, you can completely switch gears and give your mind and body some rest. Plan to read all day, or pick a special project you can do around the house.
Have some compassion for yourself
We get really hard on ourselves when we don’t check things off our to-do list. We need to structure in the time to do something small for ourselves every day. Some days this may be as simple as showering. Other days you may have more bandwidth to read, meditate or do any activity that gives you a little bit of a boost. In order to “refuel” and fill that cup up, in order to move past the depletion, this piece of the compassion puzzle is important. Self-care is not always fun, but it IS essential.
I’d love to hear from other parents - what are you doing to cope with pandemic depletion?
Carole Blackburn is a Life and Wellness Coach based in Ottawa. Visit her website, or find her on Instagram and Facebook.
